Dear Readers,
We’d like to introduce you to Jake. He arrived last fall and will be a year old this month. You can’t miss him if you’re in Akumal. He’s the huge, beautiful black and white Great Dane. His Dad takes him everywhere, but Jake has a lot to say regarding his Dad and these outings.
With all the serious talk about sargasso, we thought a bit of levity was in order. Enjoy his musing and let us know what you think. – The Staff
Yo, what’s up peasants…It’s ya boy, Jake
Dad is standing in front of me crying into his lukewarm tap water about how my premium dog food is “bankrupting” 
him.
Bro, you spend $9 on a single avacado toast that tates like regret and sadness, but I’m the problem?
Maybe stop buying $12 “protein shakes” and candles that smell like a Yankee Candle exploded in a Bath & Body Works and you could afford to feed your 130-pound son properly.
Instead, this cheapskate brings me to Mexico and turns me into a whole-ass street performer. Look at me. LOOK AT ME. Designer flat cap tilted like I owe the cartel money. Raggedy blanket that smells like 47 stray cats had a family reunion on it. Cardboard sign written in desperate Spanish: “Por favor, ayuda para–Jake y pesos.” Translation for the slow humans: “My dad is a cheap bastard, please fund my bougie kibble addiction before I have to eat whatever garbage is in the grocery store “value bag.”
I am a GREAT DANE, not some chihuahua named Kevin. I’m literally the size of a baby horse and I’m out here looking like Oliver Twish with anxiety. The cup’s already got more coins than Dad has personality.
Keep ’em coming, Mexico. I’m trying to retire him early so i can finally eat the salmon, duck, and sweet potato mix that costs more than his side by side.
I’m not just begging. I’m fundraising for emotional damages. Send pesos. Send dignity. Send the good kibble.
— Your favorite broke aristocrat, Jake “El Mendigo Supremo” The Great Dane
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