I have an odd place that I like to visit when I’m unsettled: the Stop & Shop grocery store in my town. The whole experience calms me — the ’80s tunes, the holiday décor (always on display two holidays in advance), and the new flavors of potato chips.
There are lots of ways to deal with the ups and downs of daily life. Marc Brackett, the founding director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, has developed a framework called RULER — recognize, understand, label, express and regulate — and it’s used in over 5,000 schools nationwide.
Recognize. We experience a nonstop flow of emotions, Dr. Brackett writes, most of which come and go without us noticing. But sometimes, they can bubble up and take us by surprise.
So the first step is to pause, and accept and acknowledge that you’re feeling something significant enough to notice.
This is a useful step because “if we try to suppress things or push them away or ignore these feelings, they get bigger,” said Karthik Gunnia, a clinical assistant professor of applied psychology at N.Y.U. Steinhardt. Even thinking something like, “I don’t know what I’m feeling, but I’m a feeling a lot,” is a good start, Dr. Gunnia said.
Understand. After you acknowledge that you’re feeling an emotion that demands your attention, do some detective work about the cause and the context. Ask yourself: Why might I be feeling this way? Did someone say or do something that prompted my reaction? Was it an event, or a memory? Am I spotting any pattern in my reactions?
Label. Research suggests that the simple act of putting your feelings into words lowers your psychological distress. So practice using as many descriptive words as you can to identify how you’re feeling. If you’re stressed, do you also feel overwhelmed? Anxious? Fearful?
This labeling can take any form, Dr. Brackett said. It can be talking to someone or muttering under your breath to yourself about how you’re feeling.
To help you build emotional self-awareness, the team at the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence codeveloped a free app called How We Feel, which has 144 different words to describe your feelings (such as “excluded,” “engaged” and “glum”) as well as their definitions. Or you can use the emotion wheel created by the psychologist Robert Plutchik for inspiration.
Express. After you’ve labeled your emotions, find a healthy outlet for them, Dr. Brackett said.
You can talk to a friend or even a pet, he said. If it’s possible, he said, never worry alone. “Our tendency when we’re worrying is to ruminate and spiral down,” he said, “which is never helpful.”
But there are solo activities you can try. Simply listening to music can help you express your emotions. Or you can write about your emotions in a journal.
Regulate. Regulate your emotions by finding the best strategies to manage and respond to them in a constructive way.
You can do something physical like take a walk or practice yoga; immerse yourself, even briefly, in nature; engage in something crafty like knitting or woodwork. Or retreat to your happy place.
Or try some deep breathing, which lowers stress. “Just tuning into the present moment can get you out of intense emotions,” Dr. Gunnia said.
You can also offer to help someone. When we shift attention from our own distress to care for or connect with others, Dr. Brackett said, we engage in what’s called prosocial emotion regulation.
But whatever you try, it’s worth learning to regulate your emotions. Those who do are less lonely, live longer and are more satisfied with their lives.
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